Vulnerability breeds compassion.

This past week, while reading about couples counseling and attachment theory, I came across a quote that really stood out to me. “When vulnerability is expressed… it tends to disarm and pull for a compassionate response” - from Case studies in couple and family therapy: Systemic and cognitive perspectives sharing. Essentially, this quote is saying vulnerability can lead to a compassionate response.

On paper this sounds like a great Pinterest quote, but this idea stuck with me. I continued to reflect on this idea that vulnerability can be a tool to deescalate arguments and promote connection, especially in our close relationships.

I was reminded of times in my life when I had experienced the power of vulnerability. I can think of countless times I felt dysregulated and irritated after a colleague didn’t follow through on a project, a friend showed up late, or maybe a fellow student didn’t submit their half of a paper. My mind can immediately go to blame and anger. When addressing and talking this out, my colleague, friend, or fellow student would explain their reasoning for whatever grievance I had against them. And after this conversation, I would gain understanding. My irritation would diminish, and understanding would set in. I was able to reflect and acknowledge my emotions in the process while also having compassion for someone else.

People generally have reasons for why they do what they do. Hearing out their perspective, as Dattilio mentions above, decreases the tension and allows for space for compassion to enter the conversation.

While this may seem mundane and simple, the same principle relates in our romantic relationships. Understanding where your partner is coming from can lead to compassion and can diffuse a stressful situation quickly. This goes both ways. Sharing your perspective and reasoning behind what decision you made or why you are running late or why you forgot the groceries will give your significant other insight into what was going on for you in that moment. Ultimately, these little moments of reflection and vulnerability can create moments of connection and deeper understanding of each person where everyone feels understood. How amazing that something as simple as vulnerability can lead to openness, new perspectives, and deeper connection?!

Vulnerability leads to healing, today, exactly where you are.

Dattilio, F. M. (Ed.). (1998). Case studies in couple and family therapy: Systemic and cognitive perspectives (M. R. Goldfried, Foreword). The Guilford Press.