When Defensiveness Gets in the Way of Connection

My last post highlighted how defensiveness can get in the way of us having deeper, more meaningful connections. I highlighted how defensiveness can often be a warning sign of deeper concerns happening within our relationships. It also can be an indicator of something going on inside of us.

I came across a podcast discussion between Terry Real, a relationship expert, and Dr. Andrew Huberman, a neuroscientist and podcast host. They discussed how defensiveness can impact men and how this relates to masculinity. While their discussion was geared towards men, I have found this true in my own life and the women I work with. Terry Real speaks to the need to defend ourselves due to having low self-esteem. Our self-esteem is what holds us up in the face of feedback. If we have low self-esteem then negative feedback, concerns from our partner, and criticism can lead us to feeling attacked. He shared that if we had a firm identity and high self-esteem, we would no longer feel the need to defend ourselves.

Without healthy self-esteem, we won’t be able to have accountability in our relationships. If we do not have a healthy view of ourselves, we won’t be able to afford to take accountability as it will directly impact how we see ourselves. The response of defensiveness is a way to protect what self-esteem and identity are left. If we are coming into conversations with our loved ones already at a deficit in how we feel about ourselves, our conversations will not be productive. We will not be able to accept their viewpoint, and we will lose our ability to compromise due to the inability to regulate. Their approach, no matter how kind or delicate, will feel like an attack if we do not have a solid sense of identity in the face of feedback.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot over the last few weeks. It has shifted my view of defensiveness and how I am approaching conflict in my relationships. I hope it may be helpful to you as well!

Hope you have a great weekend!