Don’t Should on Yourself
A few years ago, I was working at a residential treatment center for adolescents. The residents stayed there on average a couple of weeks to about a month and a half. We focused on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Dialectical Behavior Therapy to manage mental health symptoms and addiction. There was a therapist working on the unit with a sign on their door saying, “Don’t should on yourself.” The residents receiving treatment thought this was funny, but this phrase has stuck with me over the years. I think about it almost daily in my work in a private practice setting. Different settings and different clients, but sentiment is still relevant. I hear clients use language like “I should have known,” “I should not have done that,” or “I should feel _____.”
These statements stand out to me because of this silly sign I read years ago, but they point to something going on beneath the surface. “Should statements” give us insight into judgements and expectations of those using these statements. “Should” statements invoke a sense of judgement and lack of empathy. This language shows an increased pressure on the topic and expectations clients have for themselves. Expectations that may or may not be their own.
My last post reviewed catastrophizing. “Should statements” are another cognitive distortion. To review, a cognitive distortion is an inaccurate or biased way of thinking that negatively influences how a person interprets situations, themselves, or others. “Should statements” are a type of cognitive distortion where a person tells themselves or others how things must or ought to be. These thoughts often create pressure, guilt, shame, or frustration when reality does not match those rigid expectations. They can make situations feel more negative by replacing flexible thinking with strict rules.
Medica (2023) does a great job of breaking down what to do when we recognize “should statements” with the following steps:
1. Notice the language and moments you feel pressured by “should” statements or inflexible thinking
2. Regulate yourself and think logically about the belief and statement you are making
Where is this belief coming from?
Who is telling me I should _____?
What are the consequences if I do not do what this “should” statement is telling me?
What are the expectations tied to this?
What do you want to do?
3. Reframe your language regarding the expectation or pressure you are experiencing
Instead of: “I should be able to handle this on my own.”
Try: “It would be nice to handle this on my own, but it’s okay to ask for help when I need it.”
Instead of: “I shouldn’t feel this way.”
Try: “It’s okay to have these feelings. I can acknowledge them and decide how I want to respond.”
Instead of: “They should treat me better.”
Try: “I can’t control how others act, but I can decide how I respond and what boundaries I set.”
Once you are looking for these “should statements,” you’ll begin to recognize them everywhere. Hopefully, this will bring some clarity to unknown pressures and expectations you are experiencing. Learning to notice these patterns can be a powerful first step toward improving your mental health and emotional well-being.
Hope you have a great weekend and remember - “don’t should on yourself!”
Medica. (2023). Should statements [PDF]. Medica. https://central.medica.com/DocumentLibrary/PDF/Wellness/REAL-Goals/Emotional/Should-statements