Grief Isn’t Linear: Using Pendulation to Find Healing
Welcome back to part two of talking through grief. This post will focus on pendulation, a way to move forward when processing grief.
Most of us would like to skip the whole grief part and arrive at the “I’ve grown and overcome” part of our healing. While I wish there was a quick fix to healing, there is not a shortcut through grief. I can say that healing intentionally and moving through our grief is worth the time.
I have heard the stages of grief referenced time and time again. Not just in the counseling world, but on social media, movies, tv shows, etc... Maybe your friends have even referenced it you – “oh, you’re in the denial stage.” While the stages of grief have some relevance, they give a false impression that we move through each stage neatly and cleanly, ultimately arriving at acceptance and gratitude. This is not accurate; grief is not linear.
In grad school I had to make a group counseling curriculum for grief (fun stuff). While researching grief groups, I came across the pendulation theory created by Dr. Peter Levine.
Pendulation is a rhythm of moving back and forth between states of activation (stress, pain, or discomfort) and calm (safety, ease, or relaxation) in the body. Pendulation works by allowing the autonomic nervous system to move between sympathetic(activation) and parasympathetic(calming) modes. Levine teaches that healing happens when we gently move between these two states, instead of getting stuck in one (Levine, 2005).
It’s like exercising your emotional muscles through tensing and releasing. Over time, this helps your body get better at recovering from stress and feeling safe again. Eventually, the activation state will feel less intense, and you’ll shift into relaxation more easily.
Clients do this each week in therapy. They allow themselves to process and feel difficult emotions in a safe environment and then find themselves back in safety towards the end of session. You can also do this yourself! You can set a timer for 10 minutes and allow yourself to grieve. This could look like listening to your loved one’s favorite song, writing a letter with the words you wish you could say, thinking about the good memories, or thinking about the hard memories. Ultimately, bring yourself to a place where you can allow yourself to feel the grief. At the end of that time frame, take some deep breaths, meditate, call a close friend, or say a prayer. Move the pendulum from feeling the grief and bring yourself back to a space of relaxation.
I hope this post give you insight into the importance of moving through your grief. You can start healing today using your version of pendulation.
Levine, P. A. (2005). Healing Trauma: A Pioneering Program for Restoring the Wisdom of Your Body. Boulder, CO: Sounds True.